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Oh, no. I forgot tomorrow was Valentine's Day. That means tonight is valentine's eve. I haven't gotten anything for my girlfriend. I know I could run out and get her a box of chocolates from the convenience store or something, but I did that last year and she got me this giant pillow boutique that was really cool. Basically, I felt dumb giving her a six piece box of chocolates (actually it was more like five because I had to test one of them) when she filled half my room up with pillows. She literally filled half my room up with pillows. You may be wondering what is so great about pillows. Well, you wouldn't believe how comfortable it is to sleep in a room half filled with pillows. Sometimes I don't even go out on the weekends (I didn't even go home for Christmas) because my room is so comfortable. I'm swimming in a sea of non-sticky marshmallows. So yes, I fucked up. Even after I promised myself that I would get her a great gift this year. I'm such an idiot. How could I forget when every night I sleep in such a magical place, a land beyond imagination that she gave me? I can't believe it has already been a year. It seems like only yesterday that I first fell asleep in my room half filled with pillows. Oh God. She's going to dump me. Even if I do step it up and get the ten piece candy box of chocolates. I mean she loves me and everything. The room half full of pillows proves this. The outfit she wore that night when we were alone for the first time in my room half full of pillows also proves it...Anyway, I've lost my train of thought. I'm so stressed out. I think I just blacked out. I was thinking about that outfit and then the next thing you know I'm playing in my pillow haven. Sometimes I pretend that I'm an octopus and I try and pick up all my pillows. This is impossible even for an eleven-legged sea creature. Sometimes I hold my breath just to make it more interesting. I think this is what I was doing when I blacked out. Anyway, at least an hour has passed. I think it's too late to go to the convenience store. She's going to be here in the morning to make breakfast. At least that's what she said she was doing. Her roommate also hinted that I was going to get a really big treat (I think she only told me to hint that the V-day was coming, but I obviously failed to get the message). The roommate even told me that it involves jelly beans in some way, like a treasure chest. How can I ever expect my ten candy chocolate box to compete with that? A treasure chest! In a way I feel like I should dump her because I've always been a disappointment to her. She needs someone who can get her stuff like a fish tank inside of a little cute dog inside of a koala sitting in a tree of tangerines or a set of matchbox cars with little ninjas inside that sweep up the house when everyone is at work or a one of those rings that tells time and has a compass in it (and not one of the cheap ones that you get at a convenience store where the compass dial doesn't really work and only spins in circles randomly). My only hope is that you can print this poem by tomorrow.
THE EVE OF VALENTINE'S POEM
killing aint right
killing aint wrong
but I killed 45 aquariums just to make this song
oh Gee Gee, you sometimes like to eat peaches
and I don't like when you eat pears
but it's the time that I spent thinking of you in that small tiny burrito place across from my apartment the place that you said smelled funny. Yes, it is here, thinking of you that matters to me.
Even if I mostly thought about the sex we had. Yes, Gee Gee I think about your naked body a lot.
And one day I woke up with a sore throat and you kissed me anyway
And another day I said I had a broken foot and you made me eggs even though I was faking it.
Yeah, smoking can't be good for computers, but if I was a computer then I would smoke for you.
//
KRAMMER ABRAHAMS was wearing his blue cardigan for the 13th straight day as he stood in the rain waiting for the train. He had used his umbrella a week earlier as a kite and got it stuck in a tree. This he regretted. He regretted it even more because three trains had passed without stopping. They were doing track maintenance. He stood sideways and tried to avoid the raindrops, but they fell just as hard at that angle. He wondered if he would be able to wear his cardigan for a fourteenth straight day.
