SAM PINK
you'd be surprised how fun it is to torture a squirrel with a blowtorch.
there will never be enough jelly on earth to give the moon diabetes.
if you hit an old woman in the head with nunchuks, then you are a mean person (unnless the old lady was talking shit or something).
getting a blowjob is like going to see a musical because both make me sleepy.
the best way to kill a grasshopper is to like, give it one of those tiger palm things where you punch its nose goes through into its brain or whatever.
the best way to get feces off of your windshield is with your windshield wipers, unless they're broken in which case some sort of shovel or a huge toothbrush might work.
if there's a hell, there are probably like, a bunch of slip and slides there with random rocks underneath so you're all like, "hell yeah this ain't so bad" but then you go down the slip and slide and cut the shit out of your stomach.
if there's a hell, it's probably full of people trying to tell you about the "totally weird" dream they had where "like you were there, but it wasn't you and you had like, flames for hair or some shit."
if there's a hell, it's full of people discussing their latest book.
there are a lot of crumbs on my floor.
whenever i hear someone describe a book or movie as "post-apocalyptic/dystopian" i want to shit on my hand and slap them in the face with the hand that has the shit on it.
nothing beats beating your kids.
i don't believe people who say they like megadeth.
i'm going to sell myself on ebay.
i'm going to start using the following phrase to express the feeling i get when someone tries to dampen my mood: "don't piss on my birthday cake man."
the last time i had sex and didn't have a condom, i used a piece of bubble yum (an extra large piece (just kidding, my penis is average size (unless you compare it to an eagle penis in which case i think mine would be considered huge))).
