gigantic anxiety mountain / a calm, generally accepted, 'i feel so fucking alienated,' melodramatic, silent apocalypse / some inconceivable crisis thing / today i empathized with the top of a tower
gigantic anxiety mountain
Yesterday I was nervous.
I was supposed to go to a show with you.
I was really glad we were friends and you were smart and you challenged me to think.
I sat at the computer before I was supposed to go to your house and I felt anxious.
I drank two beers and smoked some cigarettes and felt a little less anxious.
I went to your house and you gave me a Xanax and we drank liquor things and had interesting conversation. A children's movie was on your television screen and I played with your cats. I ate the Xanax.
You had a happy and depressed facial expression and I looked at you.
We walked your dog before we went to the show.
The show was filled with five hundred drunken frat boys on a lot of cocaine. Everyone was on cocaine. I looked at you and felt disappointed and I said that I thought everyone there was on cocaine.
You gave me another Xanax.
I hated the frat boys and the frat girls and I ate the Xanax.
You looked at the crowd and said, Yeah, fuck them.
I laughed and felt happy.
We watched the show.
I felt happy and amused.
You looked sad and depressed and happy and you ate two morphine pills.
You asked me if I felt anything from the Xanax and I said that I wasn't sure. Then the show was over.
We were bored and didn't know what to do so we went to your house.
You gave me two morphine pills and I ate them and played with your cats.
We went to a bar with no cover charge and drank alcohol.
You ordered a drink I thought was unusual.
You looked depressed and tired and I felt a little depressed and tired.
I watched the DJ for a while and moved around a little bit and you stood behind me with a neutral facial expression.
I looked back at you sometimes and you were staring at me.
We went to a booth and had small, two sentence conversations. I felt good.
The bartender told everyone to leave.
We went outside and we were bored.
You asked if I was feeling the Xanax and the morphine and I said that I still didn't know.
I felt lethargic and I said that maybe I was feeling the Xanax and the morphine.
We decided to go to the gas station to get alcohol.
There were a lot of people at the gas station and I felt a little drunk.
You looked happy.
The clerk at the gas station told us it was too late to buy alcohol and I tried to bribe him with a five dollar bill and you laughed.
We were bored again and decided to go back to your apartment because you had alcohol.
We drank alcohol that tasted like cinnamon at your apartment.
We talked about something and I felt interested and you had an anxious facial expression.
You called me a sexist and I felt kind of bad.
I said that sometimes you made me feel like you didn't like me and then you got up and went to the bathroom without saying anything.
I waited for you for ten minutes and you didn't come out of the bathroom.
I played with your cats and your cats liked me.
I moved close to the bathroom and the door was open.
I asked if you were okay.
You said that you didn't feel very good.
I asked if I should leave.
You said yes.
I looked into the bathroom and you were looking at yourself in the mirror with your hands holding onto each side of the sink.
I walked past the bathroom.
I said that I hoped everything was okay and you didn't understand what I said, so I said that I hoped everything was okay again, and you didn't say anything.
I left your apartment and felt confused.
On the way home I felt really high on Xanax and morphine and listened to my iPod at a low volume.
I got home and fell into a really deep sleep.
a calm, generally accepted, 'i feel so fucking alienated,' melodramatic, silent apocalypse
with a calm facial expression i will expand
very peacefully into a giant flesh thing the size of a volcano
and roll over seattle and head south along the
coastline, knocking over redwoods and erasing
san francisco, turning slowly like a soft, massive cylinder
and, after flattening sand in a desert somewhere,
silently vaporizing buildings in san diego
and smashing automobiles in tijuana,
i will noiselessly slip into the ocean and create
a one hundred and fifty foot high tsunami that
completely engulfs hawaii, destroys most of asia and
raises the sea level twenty five feet, thus killing people
everywhere. i want to experience this from two places;
as myself, a giant flesh thing, experiencing
my intense, silent destruction,
the people i am rolling towards looking
into my eyes with nervous facial expressions and
saying, 'it's okay,' accepting that i am about to gently end them,
then laying down,
the structures in the cities yielding, very softly and muted,
to the pressure of my weight, the
dust i create rolling through streets lined with towers
over cross-legged people on the asphalt who cherish the
feeling of the wind and dust, who attempt to
heighten their sensation at the moment the dust cloud hits them,
and the sound of my movement generating a gentle, barely audible
hum that's felt as a soothing vibration and not heard
at all; and from just above the atmosphere, in a dark
space ship, my face lit by the neon glow of the ship's control panels,
hovering silently over the west coast, watching myself from a distance,
destroying metropolises, killing people i can't see,
and thinking about large-scale, thoughtless annihilation.
some inconceivable crisis thing
is it legitimate to feel asinine about feeling asinine
has anyone else ever felt incredibly sarcastic about feeling incredibly depressed but at the same time felt incredibly depressed
is that someone that anyone has done
is it normal to perceive your behavior with extreme sarcasm and then experience anxiety, depression, alienation, and low self confidence, and then feel sarcasm about your feelings of anxiety, depression, alienation, and low self confidence, and then reevaluate your behavior with an even more extreme sarcasm, in an endless loop that you can not stop consciously processing
is someone saying, 'get over yourself' right now
or maybe, is someone saying, 'this is juvenile and derived' right now
are there others that rely almost entirely on external validation to feel motivated to achieve personal goals, to relieve depression, and to increase self confidence
is it normal to think 'i hate myself' but not take yourself seriously, but really be serious about hating yourself
thank you for reading my poem
today i empathized with the top of a tower
my power is increasing on the east coast but not on the west coast
it's like a five hour flight away. my life is so stupid.
i have never seen anyone as serious about eating an apple as you.
you are going to see me and melt and i will take a bath in it.
when i meet you i'll vomit on your hand and
my face will destroy your hand. this is what happens when
you seclude yourself and become alienated. you will sit on
your bed and receive validation from words on a computer
screen. you will feel extremely excited and jump off your bed
and take an elevator to the top of a tower and the tower will
fall over because it's choking in fog. it can't breathe water vapor.
this is how i really feel. you are not here now and i am
bored and i don't know anything. there are no vaginas anywhere
close to my penis and it's making me anxious.
i feel like my writing is diluting my writing. was there
pretension there? this is the 'next level.' iced soy hazelnut lattes are
fucking good, i want 1800. i don't know how to write anymore.
i wrote a letter to you. all this emotion is making me feel empty.
all of my internet friendships are more important to me than my
friendships in real life. you are a giant skyscraper and i am inside
of you. you are a cube shaped apartment building maintained by
a resident manager. i am opening and closing things inside of you.
i want to lick your face and touch your ear. i want you to feel
my knee. why don't you touch my penis some time. i want to
grind your head in to the sidewalk with my hand on the back of your
head. just kidding. i feel incredibly sarcastic. what is going to
happen when we explode together and my brain matter is mixed
with yours? we will be dead i guess. i don't understand my
problem. today i was passed a woman,
listening to odd nosdam, eating a banana and carrying an
apple, and she looked at me and said 'can you please
donate a dollar,' and i didn't look at her and shook my
head and whispered 'i don't have a dollar' and i'm sure
she didn't hear me. she was behind me and she was still there.
the buildings are always there and they are building more
buildings. humans are eating the earth. one day scientists
will invent a process for turning earth into fossil fuel and
the planet will become a hovering pollution cloud. i'm excited
for that time. i long to feel pollution in my lungs. i won't
have to smoke cigarettes any more. i'm going to smoke a
cigarette now. i'm smoking a cigarette now. can i stick my finger
in your ear? i really, really want to. i'm a poetry martyr.
i want to bite your ear. can i do that too? what can i do to you?
what does a physical human body mean? what do my
clothes mean? tomorrow i plan on destroying the earth
with my eye. i will rip a tectonic plate out and throw
it at the moon. i will vaporize myself in the core of the earth.
then i will go home. i am bored. i have nothing to do. i am
always here and my roommates are never here. you will be there.
there will be other people i don't know. i'm surrounded
by people i don't know. i don't know anyone around me.
our connection is real and not real. your connection with
yourself is stronger than my connection with you. i want to
sleep on a zebra while it gets eaten by a lion. i want to buy
a black panther and take it around the city on a leash. i want
to be more attractive so i can have sex more. my grandmother
is dying in a hospital room right now. you are writing about
our memories together. you want me to dedicate a novel to you.
okay. i will rip my enemies hearts out and eat the hearts and
increase my power levels. can we do that together? can we go
on a killing rampage holding hands? i'm going to look at
the computer screen now and wait for something to happen.
my grandmother is in isolation in florida because germs
kill her. my mom cleaned her house for her and told me
she cleaned her house for her because germs will kill her.
my grandmother has an extremely low platelet count. i want
to take a bath in thirteen gallons of warm coffee right now.
i can heat the coffee up after i'm done, and you can drink it.
we can split it and drink 6.5 gallons of bathtub coffee each,
then shit our pants. i want to swim in iced soy hazelnut lattes.
i really want to float around in a mango. does anyone want
to do that with me? i'm accepting applications. you will not
be disqualified by age or sex. i want to drive a high powered
skateboard to mars. i will stab your body repeatedly.
with a knife. i hate my face. i kill people and aliens in video games.
i rode a horse in a video game. i'm afraid of everything. i want
to disappear forever completely, i'm serious. affectation means to
do something for attention. the whole internet is for attention. this poem is
a tall, fragile tower. you should get inside of me. you should
sit inside of my head and control my body with
the steering wheel and buttons behind my eyes. that would
work out for us. i would be a human spaceship. i would be your
vessel. you could have control over my dendrites. i would grant
you that permission. are you interested? i can't stop thinking
about coffee. the internet is a large room with hologram people.
some time i'll murder the ocean, and then we won't need earth
anymore. all we need are machines. i want to turn into a
giant oil rig without an ego. i want to kiss you. you will
be indifferent to me. i will understand you. i don't understand
which thoughts to filter. i want this thing to be a ten page
word document so i will just keep typing things, then destroy
aliens in a video game. you said that i looked like a very tall
cartoon character when i walked, and i said your life was
like a lorrie moore story. i'm not using my cell phone
any more. i am an organic extension of my computer's
hard drive. i can't really let you know me because of my own
issues, for example, i have a very difficult time showing
people that i am interested in them, they would have seen me vulnerable
and without armor, a small body shivering, a shiny alien
in a playstation 3 game, they could judge me and my
self esteem would drop. i really want to jump off a cliff and
look at the moon. i want fog all days. i shoot aliens in their
heads and their heads explode. my head will explode on your
face and you will think about sodium. my hands will touch my
idea of you. every person is my idea of them. the cigarette is
my idea of the cigarette. can i change my physical reality by
changing my ideas about physical reality. can i make cigarettes
life enhancing by imagining them as life enhancing things.
can i make people unicorns and wizards. when you feel uncomfortable
you say 'just kidding.' you are constantly strategizing. i am a laser
and a cd-r. my profile on myspace represents me better than
i represent me. i'm going to stop qualifying myself.
can i cut you up into little pieces? i want to do it quietly.
